After buying 16 dvds to add to my ridiculous collection I decided to do this. I know it’s been done before, but as a movie lover I just had to take a crack at it. So here it goes and yes, it’s entirely fictitious.
Before the nurse comes back I have about 15 minutes to tell you this story that happened this past Friday. I woke up and it was instantly like Deja Vu. I knew today was going to be Doomsday. That morning I started Fighting with my girl and she was acting like an Alien, saying all kind of rude things. For the longest our relationship has been kind of Rocky. However, that day her attitude was Over the Top. She was starting to go Overboard and I wasn’t having it. I told her don’t Get Smart because Two Can Play that Game. Her yapping was like a Neverending Story. Ever since I met her I knew she had Cruel Intentions. I was blinded by love and ignored all the Signs. I just left because I was reaching my Boiling Point and didn’t want to start Taking Lives. I’m a Law Abiding Citizen and have too much Pride to be dragged down. Not like she’s my Baby Mama so I didn’t have to deal with It. I had enough, no more Mr. Nice Guy. It was over, that was the End of Days for me.
After The Breakup I did what any guy would do, I called The Brothers to go have a few drinks. Tonight we were Breaking All the Rules and going to get wasted. Every one of us was waking up with a Hangover. After last call, I wasn’t ready to go home yet so I did what any single guy would do. I pulled my black book out of retirement and started dialing numbers.
I thought She Hate Me, but I hit up my old Booty Call and she actually answered. She said she was Home Alone so I hopped on the Metro. Even though I avoided the street Traffic, it took me 88 Minutes to get to her place. By the time I got there I was already Half Baked. As a result I knocked on the door instead of ringing her doorbell. She came down and asked who it was so I said Guess Who. I saw the look in her eyes and I knew it was Showtime. I couldn’t wait any longer, I was close to The Edge so I showed her my Anaconda as soon as she let me in. She tried to hold me Hostage, but I had to be Fast and Furious because I was almost Out of Time. I heard a car pull up then I saw the Fear in her eyes. She failed to mention that she was now married. I said don’t worry Brown Sugar I’ll be gone Gone in 60 Seconds. By the time her husband climbed into bed it was too late, she was no longer Waiting to Exhale.
The following day she called me from her Cellular and told me I was her Soul Man so she made me some Soul Food. I was kind of hesitant because she sounded like she wanted to be My Girl. So I told her not today, maybe The Day After Tomorrow. She must have sensed my hesitance and assured me that she just wanted The Wood. I said cool, you can Hav Plenty. I thought about How She Move so the decision was left to my Basic Instinct. Told her I would Speed over and get there quicker than Next Day Air. Hey why not? I had Nothing to Lose, What’s the Worst That Could Happen?
Shortly after I got to her place, I soon discovered that she also forgot to mention her husband was a modern day Ali. Had I known he was real life Terminator, I would have left my Never Back Down motto at home.