I went to New Years party many moons ago. It was your typical “my parents are away” college party. Loud music, dance floor, and plenty of booze. The hardwood floors were wet from the waves of over-filled red cups. Lots of drunk, horny, clueless, and confused 20-something-year-olds filled up the low-lit rooms. Like every house party, the police showed up to voice their first warning to reduce the noise. Surprisingly the hosts were prepared for this and already had the basement setup to keep the party going. While being one of the last people to follow the crowd downstairs, I spotted an attractive Asian girl. With my alcohol induced confidence, I didn’t hesitate to talk to her. Together we went downstairs to continue our conversation. Things would soon become interesting.
I found a nice isolated spot to talk to her. Near the stairs and away from everyone else. As we spoke I carefully inspected her from head to toe. Pretty face. Her breath was neutral. She wasn’t as thick as I’d like, but that was ok. A few scoops of weight gainer and some squats would fix that right up. She passed everything on my head to toe checklist so far, then I reached the last check box. Feet. I don’t know the name of it, but I have a phobia. Creepy toes creep me out. I would seek therapy for it, but my insurance doesn’t cover it.
I looked down to support the needs of my disorder. Luckily her toes were fine. However, I should rephrase that. The toes that she had looked fine. She didn’t have all 10 digits, she came up short. She was missing at least 2 toes on her right foot and 1 on her left. I didn’t know what to do. The room started spinning like those cheap plastic spinner rims. Whether it was shock and/or the effects of cheap alcohol, I was being consumed. It was too much to handle.
My brain started working overtime. How did she lose them? Is she a spy? Was she captured by the enemy and punished? Is she from a 3rd world country with evil dictators and militia? Was her house raided and her family tortured? Where the hell are all her toes? Why is she wearing sandals if she doesn’t have toes? Is this an optical illusion? Maybe she has a disease and they had to be amputated. Maybe I’m just really drunk and seeing things. In this case, not seeing things. What do I do, what do I say?
I did what anyone would do in an awkward situation. I needed a moment so I stuffed a Twix in my mouth and mumbled something out.
– Vic Louis
p.s. I’m convinced she really did have all her toes and I was seeing things. However, there’s no evidence to prove this. Oh well, it will be forever filed under my unsolved mysteries.