Glad I Was Born a Man

A complete shift from what I posted yesterday, but isn’t that always the case? There is beauty in my randomness. Anyway, when I think about it my life as a guy is pretty easy. This isn’t an ode to women or anything, but I applaud them all. I appreciate all that they do, well most of them <makes funky face>. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I’m glad I was born a man. Here’s why…

Grooming
For 20 minutes of my time and $17 of my hard-earned money, I can walk out the barbershop looking fresh and clean. For $4.99 I can purchase a bottle of 2-in-1 shampoo & conditioner that will keep my hair clean for months. Occasionally I have to do some light front yard work. I don’t have to shave my legs (shout out to Mo’Nique), nor my armpits. Life is pretty good over here on Mars.

Don’t quote me on the prices, but things are much different on Venus. $40 or more just to get a wash? That’s crack. Then women leave the salon with that thick piece of toilet paper wrapped around their hairline. People who don’t understand look at them funny. Little kids point at them and ask hundreds of questions. It doesn’t end there. $80 or more to actually get some hairstyle done? That’s crystal meth right there. How about sitting 8-9 hours to get mini-braids/extensions (which I like, fyi)? And that’s after spending $40 on hair in Chinatown. When it’s all said and done they still have to shake the numbness off their butts and pay what, $100 for the job? Did I mention my hair bi-monthly haircut costs $17.00 USD?

I didn’t even get to the yard work yet. Landing strips, bikini waxes, and brazilian waxes. My heart bleeds for women. Really it does.

Labor
I don’t feel like linking to it, but if you’re a frequent reader then you know I was recently traumatized by watching a video of a woman in a labor. If for nothing else, then I thank women across the world for being the ones to go through this. As a man I will act as macho as I want to in any other scenario, but from what I’ve seen in movies and documentaries, this I can not endure. Nor will I ever argue with a woman who says giving labor is the most painful thing…. ever.

Hygiene
I always heard the term douche-bag being thrown around when I was younger. Means you’re a jerk and etc, didn’t think it went any further than that. Then eventually I heard douche was hygienic tool, but I didn’t believe it. The description I heard as a child made no sense. Many years back, a girl I was dating at that time, had one in her suitcase and I was in shock. I couldn’t believe it. After all those years I found out it was true. I had so many questions. That officially became reason #136 why I’m glad I’m a guy. Not to mention the need for kotex and anti-itch cremes. Just going to end that right there, it’s lunch time.

Footwear
I don’t know what it’s like to walk in high heels all day. From what I’ve heard it doesn’t sound like a burst of rainbows. I buy shoes/sneakers, put my feet in them and go. I didn’t need to learn how to walk differently in them nor do I feel any pain. Although, from completing private research I noticed some women can’t walk in heels to save their lives. I’d hate to see them walking on a tight rope. Disaster.

Entering Adulthood
Only thing I had to overcome was the realization that cooties didn’t exist. That and discovering a new-found joy in life. I’ll spare you the details, but just in case you aren’t following, think sending the seamen out to sea. It was the single greatest moment of my life when that capability was bestowed upon me. No Eve’s Bayou moments here. I didn’t have to receive “the talk” about how my body is changing as a woman. That has to be awkward.

After thinking about this, tomboys almost make sense. Men who pay for sex changes…. not so much. There’s plenty of other things, but I’m exceeding my word count. Don’t want to burn your eyes.

– Vic Louis

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12 Comments

Filed under Women

12 responses to “Glad I Was Born a Man

  1. TheBubblyBlackGirl

    I’ll keep it brief but here are reasons why I’m glad to be a woman.

    1. ED- at least there’s an aisle dedicated to our lack of excitement…for you all, it’s officialy a medical dysfunction which requires medication.

    2. Prostate Cancer (or even Prostate Cancer Screening), we never have to worry about someone snapping on a latex glove and telling us to bend over.

    3. If we have a child, we’re 100% certain that its ours. Men on the other hand…there’s always that lingering doubt.

    4. Re: “Entering adulthood”: yes, it’s a unique process, but men have their phasing out stage too, refer to #1.

    • Inquiring M.

      Thank goodness for this comment… I was >< this close to slitting my wrists. One I'll add…

      When we like something that's considered "manly" we're the cool girlfriend, when men like something that's considered "feminine" y'all are g@y *shrug* #checkyourwristlookslikeyoubrokesomething… this also applies to sensitivity/emotions, dressing ability, hygiene etc (what doesn't thie apply too?)

      • Why? My hats down to you all. On a day-to-day or month-to-month women have much more to do. More power to you. It’s a compliment in disguise.

        “When we like something that’s considered “manly” we’re the cool girlfriend, when men like something that’s considered “feminine” y’all are g@y *shrug* #checkyourwristlookslikeyoubrokesomething”

        Lol – true, but I personally don’t have to worry about that.

        p.s. There is a meter on that though. Thin line between “cool girlfriend” and just plain “manly woman.”

    • #1 – You win (thanks for ruining my day)

      #2 – You’re right, that’s a bit traumatizing. Breast cancer? Sure, it’s not as invasive, but cancer is cancer is cancer.

      #3 – Yea, women know the child is theirs obviously, but sometimes they don’t even know who the father is. That can’t be fun. As for men, DNA test goes a long way. Once we know it’s not ours we can move on if we so choose, the search still continues for the woman. #maurypovich

      #4 – I’m just saying, yours is a bit more involved and requires monthly maintenance.

  2. bubblez410

    Being a female is not easy at times but it is nice to feel appreciated 🙂 no complaints from this reader.

  3. Best Buddy

    Hahaha I love the bubblyblackgirl comments 🙂

  4. I like that both sexes can sympathize as well as appreciate our unique experiences. I’d like to add to the list of why I love being a woman *clears throat*
    1. We get away with stuff because we are remotely attractive and men are that shallow sometimes (ie free groceries, free metrocards etc)
    2. We don’t have to carry heavy stuff or open jars (shoutout to bubbly black girl)
    3. We don’t have to spend a ton of money to look good (alludes to your previous blog post on cheap clothes)
    4. We don’t have to pay for dates (at first)
    5. We don’t have to go through hell and high water to get laid
    6. We either don’t have to pay or pay less to get into events
    7. We can chalk our irrational outbursts to PMS
    8. We can change our entire look based on our mood (shout-out to makeup, weaves/wigs, and those wondrous high heels)

  5. Oh and it’s been proven that douching is unnecessary and oftentimes exacerbates the “problem”

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