Glad I Was Born a Man

A complete shift from what I posted yesterday, but isn’t that always the case? There is beauty in my randomness. Anyway, when I think about it my life as a guy is pretty easy. This isn’t an ode to women or anything, but I applaud them all. I appreciate all that they do, well most of them <makes funky face>. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I’m glad I was born a man. Here’s why…

Grooming
For 20 minutes of my time and $17 of my hard-earned money, I can walk out the barbershop looking fresh and clean. For $4.99 I can purchase a bottle of 2-in-1 shampoo & conditioner that will keep my hair clean for months. Occasionally I have to do some light front yard work. I don’t have to shave my legs (shout out to Mo’Nique), nor my armpits. Life is pretty good over here on Mars.

Don’t quote me on the prices, but things are much different on Venus. $40 or more just to get a wash? That’s crack. Then women leave the salon with that thick piece of toilet paper wrapped around their hairline. People who don’t understand look at them funny. Little kids point at them and ask hundreds of questions. It doesn’t end there. $80 or more to actually get some hairstyle done? That’s crystal meth right there. How about sitting 8-9 hours to get mini-braids/extensions (which I like, fyi)? And that’s after spending $40 on hair in Chinatown. When it’s all said and done they still have to shake the numbness off their butts and pay what, $100 for the job? Did I mention my hair bi-monthly haircut costs $17.00 USD?

I didn’t even get to the yard work yet. Landing strips, bikini waxes, and brazilian waxes. My heart bleeds for women. Really it does.

Labor
I don’t feel like linking to it, but if you’re a frequent reader then you know I was recently traumatized by watching a video of a woman in a labor. If for nothing else, then I thank women across the world for being the ones to go through this. As a man I will act as macho as I want to in any other scenario, but from what I’ve seen in movies and documentaries, this I can not endure. Nor will I ever argue with a woman who says giving labor is the most painful thing…. ever.

Hygiene
I always heard the term douche-bag being thrown around when I was younger. Means you’re a jerk and etc, didn’t think it went any further than that. Then eventually I heard douche was hygienic tool, but I didn’t believe it. The description I heard as a child made no sense. Many years back, a girl I was dating at that time, had one in her suitcase and I was in shock. I couldn’t believe it. After all those years I found out it was true. I had so many questions. That officially became reason #136 why I’m glad I’m a guy. Not to mention the need for kotex and anti-itch cremes. Just going to end that right there, it’s lunch time.

Footwear
I don’t know what it’s like to walk in high heels all day. From what I’ve heard it doesn’t sound like a burst of rainbows. I buy shoes/sneakers, put my feet in them and go. I didn’t need to learn how to walk differently in them nor do I feel any pain. Although, from completing private research I noticed some women can’t walk in heels to save their lives. I’d hate to see them walking on a tight rope. Disaster.

Entering Adulthood
Only thing I had to overcome was the realization that cooties didn’t exist. That and discovering a new-found joy in life. I’ll spare you the details, but just in case you aren’t following, think sending the seamen out to sea. It was the single greatest moment of my life when that capability was bestowed upon me. No Eve’s Bayou moments here. I didn’t have to receive “the talk” about how my body is changing as a woman. That has to be awkward.

After thinking about this, tomboys almost make sense. Men who pay for sex changes…. not so much. There’s plenty of other things, but I’m exceeding my word count. Don’t want to burn your eyes.

– Vic Louis