In yesterday’s post “Moving In” I asked the question, are you against moving in with your significant other prior to marriage or are you for it? Below are the numbers I got from the poll (anything that came in after I wrote this is not included).
- Against = 8 They were all women ( If it seems like I can’t count it’s because one woman voted twice for “against.” Cheater!)
- For it = 4 3 men and 1 woman
- 50/50 = 1 woman
These numbers are questionable to me. In reality, practically every serious non-married couple I know live together. As for the married couples I know, they lived together before getting married. Anyway, thank you all for commenting. The reason I asked not to say why or why not is because I wanted the opportunity to write my thoughts down without feeling like I’m already engaged in a debate. So without further ado, as the title suggests I’m all for moving in first. Here’s why:
Marriage is a lifetime commitment. It’s not something to do because everyone else is doing it. Not something to do because your biological clock is ticking or you want to look pretty in an over-priced white dress or tuxedo. If I’m going to marry someone I need to be sure I understand this person’s characteristics and habits. I need to know that I can live with all their bad habits. I need to know that she can live with mine.
To me, moving in with your significant other before marriage is an important step. I don’t care if you’ve been with your “boo” for 10 years, there are still some habits you might not be aware of. Simply visiting my apartment won’t tell you everything about me. You may not realize I leave the cereal box open. You may not realize I’m really a slob because I tidy up before you get here. You would never know that I have a midget porn addiction. None of those are true, but the point that I’m making is that I could be full of surprises. I could have 9 bodies in the basement for all you know. Unfortunately you’re stuck with me. Why? Because we got married first and skipped a step that may have revealed all my bad habits. Habits that you can not live with. Habits that you can not change.
Moving in is sort of a trial phase of marriage. It’s a true test to answer the question, can I really spend the rest of my life with this person? It’s not the same as being with someone and spending a lot of time together. You now have to see this person, e-v-e-r-y single day. There’s no hiding when you are in a bad mood, no hiding when you’re feeling unsure of yourself. When you get into a fight, there’s no avoiding contact for a few days to allow things to cool off.
I can’t guarantee that I will move in my future wife before marriage, but I certainly hope so. And although I’m for it, I’m no fool. There are some circumstances in which I’d be the first to say hell no:
- Only been together for 6 months or some ridiculously low number.
- We never spoke about marriage. By that I don’t mean “Do you want to get married?” and “How many kids to you want?” I mean, in-depth conversations about it.
- I have no intention on getting married to the person in question, and it seems the same applies to her.
- I have strong doubt about the future of my relationship.
- She has displayed some crazy person tendencies.
One of the comments on yesterday’s post asked if we are engaged or not. If yes and with dates set, then sure. I think I know where she was going with that, however, I don’t think I see the difference that makes. Nothing in life is guaranteed, people set dates and end up calling it off quite often. Engagement rings and fortunes (from a fortune cookie) have a few of things in common. They are both enclosed at first, once opened you feel warm and fuzzy inside, but the message associated with it may or may not come true.
I now welcome the reasoning behind your decisions. Argue amongst yourselves, drag your friends into it, and play nice.
– Vic Louis
Happy Friday
My 28 Cents 
I’m already aware of some reasons why some people (women mainly) are against it. Going to address those here:
1. It goes against your religion and teachings from the bible. Yea? So does half the things most people do (yourself included). Where was this commitment when you lost your virginity to a a guy named JoJo?
2. Your parents disapprove.
Well, I’m sure they weren’t happy when you decided to tattoo JoJo’s name to your buttocks, but you still did it. Extreme, but the point is you’re an adult. I’m sure you don’t do everything your parents tell you.
3. A man will never marry you if you move in first.
Probably the most believable reason I’ve heard. However, it just sounds insecure. Why would you want to be with this person then?
4. You won’t fight as hard for the relationship.
Ok, this sounds like you are trying to trap someone into marriage. If it wasn’t meant to be, it wasn’t meant to be. Can’t delay the inevitable. Move in with your boyfriend and realize he’s not for you and end things safely or pay thousands in divorce court. The choice is yours.
For me it’s one of the final tests before proposing. I’d have to live with my significant other for at least a year with no major problems before I even think of popping the question. Who knows what kind of annoying habits you S.O might possess that you’re unaware of until you start sharing your space? One must know this kind of stuff before heading into marriage. It’s almost always the little things that can disrupt it.
-e
Happy Friday to you… now that the formalities are out the way *rolls sleeves up* let’s address your malarkey…
Beyond every thing you’ve stated… the Bible, parents disapproval, he’ll never marry you and the loss of fight for the relationship… you forget one thing…
What about the sanctity of marriage? What makes marriage special? If you are going to do everything that married people do without being married why be married? Why buy the ring? And dress? And have the HUGE wedding? Because it’s the marking of a gargantuous moment in your life… the UNION of TWO families into ONE! Do you know the only thing likened to uniting TWO living things into ONE?… having a baby. I bet you never thought of that. Never considered child birth and marriage to be the same, but they are. Here’s how:
When you have a baby aren’t two families uniting? Considering a marriage is to never “be put asunder” which is much like you can’t separate the genes that form a child, two families are now PERMANTLY one, are they not? Why would you take a marriage any less seriously than you take the creation of another life? Aren’t you ultimately starting/creating a new life with your bride?
That being said. Every relationship needs time to grow like a fetus. When a child is in the womb it is inside the stomach… untouchable except through a barrior of flesh (sorry, I hate the word flesh but I needed it for effect)… Your forced to love and nuture this child from inside where you CAN’T reach them or see them or hold them… beyond your touch you have to learn to love the unknown. Yeah, they are there inside… but have you smelled them before? Have you held them? What do they sound like when they are happy? You don’t know… your mind races with the thoughts of what they will be like, who they will look like. And you develop a love that EXCEEDS the what ifs. You wait NINE MONTHS… that’s a long time. But I think it happens that way so you can develop a relationship with your child beyond your understanding. Maybe they’ll have 6 fingers… who cares? “I just hope they’re ok” you pray. And Heaven forbid there is news your newborn has problems, does it matter? Of course not… this is YOUR child, you are in it for the long run!
We should look at marriage the same way. Learning to love one another beyond our concerns. That’s all I see here. Your concerns about the other person… “what if she’s crazy” “what if I’m a slob”… You’ll LEARN and COMPROMISE! Learn to be SELF-LESS for your mate! There’s no excitement about this new creation when you live together. No anticipation and anxiety… things just are what they were. No development. No crowning moment (pun intended)… it just is what it is, which is nothing special at all.
…you and your chapter 🙂
You make great points… that is, if someone said they are ready to call it quits and end their marriage. I’m not seeing why one should be against moving in with each other based off your statements.
I see where you are going with the baby comparison, but it doesn’t do it for me. Yea you have to nurture your marriage, let it grow, feed it, patch up the wounds that come along and etc. There’s a big difference though. You can’t get rid of a child. That child will always be yours. Your spouse… not so much. There’s this beautiful thing called separation and/or divorce that many married couples get. Why? Numerous reasons, but a lot of times it is because they simply didn’t take the time to actually learn about each other before diving into it. Also, how would you apply your comparison to the many married couples that choose not to have children? Two people who got married with the understanding they would never reproduce. Are they no longer a family because of this? Should they not care about all the values and principles of marriage? Surely they will never be able to relate. Should they take their marriage less seriously?
You said it, it’s a gargantuous moment (for $20k?… it better be), really I agree religiously. That being said…. why would you be against doing everything you could possibly do to be as certain as you possibly can, to make sure you are marrying the “right” person?
As far as learning to love each other and be self-less, I get that and completely agree. You need all that for a successful marriage, but what does that have to do with moving in each with other before marriage? If you can’t survive just living together, you have no business getting married. Whether you move in with someone prior to marriage or not, you are still going to come across some obstacles. Some small, some big. Both in which you may need to compromise. That’s a given, but that does not explain why two people shouldn’t move in with each other. What is wrong with two people taking a step to build a stronger bond and trust for each other? What is wrong with two people learning more about each other, prior to standing before God and making what should be a LIFETIME commitment? What is wrong with two people getting a taste of what to expect. If I put a dish of food in front of you that you never had before, would you take a small bite to try it out first or would you just swallow the plate whole? Sounds silly but think about it.
Fyi, anticipation and anxiety aren’t ingredients for happiness.
p.s – way too early for you to be talking about a fetus!
-First off… look deeper. We are having two DIFFERENT conversations my friend. The child and marriage in the comparision are parrallels, so whether a couple has a child or not is irrelevant… the marriage in this case represents the child. So re-read that… or not- it’s whatever… do you.
“There’s this beautiful thing called separation and/or divorce that many married couples get.”
-Interesting… my point exactly and is it beautiful? Marriage (like a child) isn’t created to be separated. Maybe if people looked at their marriages/families like these living things that grow and change (for that matter) but CAN’T be broken unless through DEATH everyone wouldn’t be so quick to do this beautiful thing you speak of.
“If you can’t survive just living together, you have no business getting married. Whether you move in with someone prior to marriage or not, you are still going to come across some obstacles.”
-OK…I’m glad your brought that up because cohabitating DOES NOT aid nor prevent the success of a marriage. Look it up. Which means this point right here son… this point right here… is null and void. You’re not helping yourself at all by learning these little nuances of your mate… you are however desensitizing yourself of the emotional connection and seriousness a step like coming together AFTER marriage creates!
“Fyi, anticipation and anxiety aren’t ingredients for happiness.”
-True, but they are great for discipline which I’m sure any married couple will tell you need and develop a lot of when you stick it out… that’s if you can find a married couple these days that has actually stuck it out #shotsfired
p.s – lol @ fetus… ahhh I made you say it too! :-d
My bad… this is @ none other than… V.I.C. 😉
😛 whatever
“Desensitizing yourself of the emotional connection…..” listen to Dr. Phil much? I think so, son (were you taking a shot at us folks up north? I saw the movie ATL too shawty!). 🙂
I didn’t say move in for another 10 years before marriage, why would you be desensitized?
Beautiful was sarcasm, of course divorce isn’t beautiful. I agree marriage isn’t created to be separated. Even if I went in a different direction with your comparison, unless you live in a box or are in denial, you know that baby/marriage philosophy doesn’t always hold up these days. Perhaps it did back in the day, when the divorce rate wasn’t as high as it is now. New times, new generation, and hate to say it, but new rules. You can preach and promote your child comparison as much as you want. Put it up on billboards, but it’s in one ear and out the other with this new generation. Will probably get worse if you think about it. Everything you are saying makes sense, but those are things to keep a marriage TOGETHER. Meaning the marriage already occurred. Why isn’t there a step before that? A step that could possibly, not definitely, but possibly help your decision making?
“cohabitating DOES NOT aid nor prevent the success of a marriage.”
That doesn’t match my comment. That does not reject the concept of “cohabitating” to learn more about someone which is what I’m suggesting. Your argument (from how I’m interpreting it) is focusing on staying married therefore I’m forced to argue those points with you. The survival point is valid, my friend. Again, your argument is focusing on the fundamentals of how to stay married. I’m focusing on reasons to take it slow before even getting married. Inserting a step into the old school traditional order of things.
“……that’s if you can find a married couple these days that has actually stuck it out.”
Those are your words so I know you are in agreement that many couples get divorced. Focusing on the people who get divorced because they realized they made a bad judgment in character…… If by moving in with someone, you have the opportunity to learn some new things first, why not take it? If it won’t have a negative impact on your marriage, what’s the problem?
“We’re married, so now you’re stuck with my issues and we have to work on it.” Those aren’t your exact words, but I feel like that’s the message you’re selling. If we as a non-married couple can’t resolve our problems, and are going to end things because we aren’t married yet, then what is the point? Is that really who you want to be with? Someone who stuck around because you’re married, but not because he loves you? Yea and you’re going to tell me marriage = love. That’s cute and all, but will your spouse feel that way too at the 3rd highway marker? Neither of us know the answer to that question for sure. I would go with the person that you know will fight to stay together because he/she loves you, not because he/she thinks it’s the right thing to do because you are married. I want a fighter! Someone who is going to fight for this to last, don’t you?
I’m under the impression you think I’m saying moving in is guaranteed to prevent any future drama. If so, I’m not sure where the lines were crossed, but I’m not saying that at all. Can I say that living together will definitely provide people with a successful marriage? Nope, that would be foolish for anyone to believe that. All I’m saying is that maybe, just maybe by moving in with someone first you can determine if marriage is the right direction. Hey, perhaps it will save you* thousands of dollars on marriage counseling that you will have to go through, because you just realized all these things that could have been identified earlier.
You can argue all day that living together first does not guarantee marital success and I won’t fight you, but you aren’t telling me why I can’t learn from the experience or why it’s such a no-no. That’s the big picture.
Sorry, I’m in a rush. Not sure I addressed everything and if I did, it’s probably out of order.
*you – not you specifically… everybody and anyone
I take back my chapter comment…. apparently this can’t be argued with two words! Have a good weekend.
I have a question why can’t u know a person well enough to know the biggest habits that might bug one or the other? Of course their are surprises but the surprises shouldn’t be anything big enough to make you want to split or divorce.
Why is it that relationships have to hide stuff from each other?
That might be the problem, you should know if the person your getting married to is a slob or if they have weird habits or put toilet paper wrong way(haha I hate that)
Why can’t people talk about stuff like how they like to live? We all have examples of living with someone so its not hard to say ‘hey I don’t like when so and so does this, do you do it? How do you feel about a dirty bathroom and so on?’ Moving in together is an easy way to say ‘hey if I don’t like that your a slob and I can’t handle this’ instead of trying to work things out and figure out a compromise or figure out a solution as to why they are a slob.
Also maybe you should have known that before and that is just a small issue covering the bigger issue of not knowing each other.
To me, it was the best thing in the world to know I was starting a new life with my husband and it would be something new and big to both of us and knowing we weren’t going to let little bad habits affect us but learn to help each other in this new journey of the rest of our lives. And we asked each other hundreds of questions and saw how both families lived and how each of us lived and what we didn’t like. Its not hard just relationships need to have deeper open relationships.
Another question Are you sharing accounts? Are u planning on changing that when married? That would be kind of a hard change. Also what exactly would change once married? What exactly is motivation to get married once living together?
Most people who break up after living together have nothing to do with little bad habits or things they find annoying. It is using infidelity or to much fighting, over possessive but usually all things that could happen if you are not living together and again things you should see and learn when getting to know each other
“why can’t u know a person well enough to know the biggest habits that might bug one or the other?” It’s not impossible, but every relationship is different. If you truly feel you know someone inside out, go for it. But my point and my problem is that a lot of people “think” they know someone inside out and really don’t. The more you know…..
“Why is it that relationships have to hide stuff from each other?” I don’t know, ask Hitch. Cause people are scary? Hmph, let me find out you just pulled your own relationship problems into this. :0
“Why can’t people talk about stuff like how they like to live?” Actions speak louder than words my friend. But I do that stuff. I told my girl if she leaves the cereal box open, it’s over. 🙂
“Are you sharing accounts?” Uh, my bank account? With someone I’m not married to? Are you crazy? AFTER marriage, yea there will be a joint account BUT I will still have my own personal account and I’m sure my future wife would to. The beauty of compatibility, isn’t it great?
“What exactly is motivation to get married once living together?” Seriously, what type of men do y’all settle for? Damn, lol. Wait, are you one of those people that would fit into the “well if you move in with a guy before marriage, he will never marry you.” ……??? For me… the motivation would be that I’m ready to take the big step to marriage. I know that you are the one for me and I know that I am nothing without you. I’m ready to devote the rest of my life to you, my children, and Fluffy, the family dog. If I move in with you it is because I plan to marry you, not because it’s just convenient.
I think I answered all your questions. If not, well it’s your fault for not applying the use of paragraphs. 🙂
One thing you said though…
“Most people who break up after living together have nothing to do with little bad habits or things they find annoying. It is using infidelity…….”
#1 – i disagree. I don’t have the numbers, but couples that I know who have separated, it was because of what they discovered about each other, not infidelity.
#2 – Even if what you said is true, which it very well may be. Wouldn’t you want to discover this infidelity before you got married? Hmmmmmmm…?????? Yep, and I noticed you said these are things that could happen while not living together. True, but guess what. By waiting and taking that extra step, you just saved yourself years of grief.
P.S.
That is not even getting into the biblical sense of it all but I believe when God says something it is for a reason.
You said people don’t always follow the bible,which is true and why follow it for living together before marriage BUT somewhere down the line everyone always says ‘hey I should have gone with my teachings’ maybe not right away or while they are enjoying whatever it is but yea eventually it happens
you know why I made the bible comment? Because people upset me with this, regardless of the topic. If you believe in God and follow the word of the bible, that’s fine more power to you.
If I don’t do something or won’t do something, it’s because I think it’s wrong. Now my belief and morals are a combination of how I was raised, religion (which kind of walks hand in hand with how I raised, and my own personal thoughts. I have a brain for a reason.
You will not catch me saying that I won’t do something because it’s in the bible. You know why? Because I know there are plenty of things in the bible that I do not follow. Therefore it would make me a confused hypocrite to make such a comment.
People do this all the time, and it pisses me off more than the existence of people like Lindsey Lohan and Paris Hilton.
Just to clarify, in case you don’t already know this. This post has nothing to do with any current situation I’m. As stated, I would really prefer to move in first for the reasons I provided. However, if I was dating someone and she had good reason not to…. as long as I felt certain she’s the one, I would suck it up. I’d go kicking & screaming though….
I would like to be able to argue both positions (and I was ready to), but unfortunately I’m only getting heat from some “AGAINST” people.
oh… and I retire for the weekend at 4:30pm so don’t be offended if I don’t respond to you.
Great blog!!!
haha sorry about paragraphs, its hard trying to write all that from my cell phone geeze :p
i think this has been the blog with the most comments, am i correct?
but anyways you said that for you moving in would be the big step before marriage but to many that is the final step, you could be one of the exceptions to that rule. for many, when they think of moving in together its for ALOT of other reasons.
i have a friend who was with her boyfriend 10 years, and she was the one who was satisfied just living with him and thought it was good enough without getting into paperwork. in those 10 years he proposed 3 times. now they are married because something changed her life but regardless sometimes one person is thinking marriage and the other is comfortable with the life they are living without adding the marriage word to it.
i have another friend who was comfortable just living with her boyfriend but he needed insurance so they just made it official for paperwork (true story)
and recently just had a friend call me to tell me her ex wants her back and will do anything to prove he is sorry and wants to be with her even if it means moving in with her? so obviously he is doing it for the wrong reasons to.
hahaha and none of the comments were regarding me hehe except for the toilet paper, i told my husband i like it a certain way and its a pet peeve lol but we definitely did alot alot of talking about the way we live and so on before getting married and what we like, but living together before marriage was not in either of our plans and yea actions do speak louder then words but if you are in a serious relationship you should be able to see alot of it.
Alot of the points you made can go both ways with living together and not living together. it all depends on the people, for starters, and their attitude and reasons behind moving in together.
haha and about accounts if you are living with someone already and then begin to share accounts after marriage, wont it complicate things? especially if you are both already use to doing your own thing. I mean nothing else is changing except maybe last name.
and definitely about bible comment, people need basis for why they would believe that besides only the bible says so. thats why i really didn’t get into it about the bible because my basis is more from what i have seen and what i have been taught, and people definitely pick and choose what they want to follow.
My push is because men always think “why buy the cow when the milk is free” I am not about to give you yet one more reason why you prolong the marriage debate. Live together? Please… Then I am cooking, cleaning, and all that other good stuff… Naw I am good. Why play house? I want a commitment. I don’t want to be “wifey” I want to be the WIFE
Exactly.
Wait, why are you doing all the cooking, cleaning and all that good stuff? This isn’t the 30’s. I would hope you are both doing that stuff in any living arrangement, married or not.
late on this post, and most people that are for shacking up/cohabitation say the test the waters of living together thing. It is extremely overrated from my understanding, but I do know a lot of people do it and eventually get married. I agree with a few thing Inquiring M stated and I do believe some things should be saved for marriage–that includes living together and having children. I wouldn’t be opposed to living together after engagement though. maybe.
I was raised by a single parent and my now stepfather lived with us for damn near a decade before they decided to marry. so yeah they eventually did get married. I guess growing up in a “backwards” situation makes me want to do things the other way…and I have wonderful examples of how it can work. of my friends that did the shacking thing then married, are now divorced it wasn’t the factor but probably just rushing to be married in general, however.
Never too late Reecie…
You know, you could be absolutely right. Maybe it is overrated, but how will anyone know if they don’t try it themselves? I won’t argue ’til I’m blue in the face because every couple is different and every couple has to make decisions that are best for them. I small part of me thinks I will probably end up getting married without shacking up* first, and if that is God’s plan for me, so be it. If I feel strongly about marrying someone then I’m not opposed to getting married first, however, I would prefer to move in first. That’s just me, I can go either way. Most people seem to be completely opposed to the idea, yet never experienced it.
*make it sound like the plague 😛
What’s the point of “shacking up” if we’re not going to get married? Makes no sense to me. If both parties are for marriage and that’s the “goal” of dating and being in a serious relationship, why move in together just because? There needs to be a reason WHY I’m moving in with you. And yes, plans can be changed and that’s exactly the point. There ARE plans. If we’re engaged, move in and then if we find out it’s not working then we can move on. But moving in just for the hell of it? Why? Why should I move in with my boyfriend just because we’re “serious.”? I’m only for it if we’re engaged not based on any religious reason but for reason itself.
I would never advise anyone to move in just for sh*ts and giggles, that would be foolish and most likely disastrous. I don’t believe I did, but I hope that is not the impression I gave.
If I’m reading this correctly you are saying it’s ok if we are engaged, move in and then find out it’s not working, then we can move on. It’s ok because there was a plan to get married, right?
What I’m saying is, what if some lucky man (maybe unlucky depending on your response to him) said, “Dash I love you with all my heart and PLAN on marrying you if you will have me. Before marriage I would like to take the next step and move in together. If all goes well, as I feel it will, I plan on proposing and we can then make marriage preparations.” He explains his reasons for wanting to move in first, which are very sincere and well thought out. You love him and you know he is a man of his words. You are saying this is not ok, right?
If that’s not what you are saying then disregard, but please clarify so I’m on the same page.
If that is what you are saying, then why not? You said your scenario is ok because there was plan. Well, there’s a plan in my scenario as well. What’s the difference between the two? The engagement? When it boils down to it the only thing separating your plan and mine is an engagement ring because in both cases there is a PLAN to get married. You can say no it’s not just because of the ring and I will ask what it is then. You might say it’s because there are dates set. I will say that set dates are just scheduled plans and can be canceled. Is it because there was some verbal agreement through the engagement? There was a verbal agreement in my scenario as well.
So I ask anyone who is for moving in only if engaged, what is the big difference? The engagement clause seems pretty thin. Besides the engagement ring, title, and dates which aren’t religiously or legally binding mind you, why is this relevant or a necessary factor?
“I think I know where she was going with that, however, I don’t think I see the difference that makes.”
I HAVE A NAME SIR and it’s not she. SMH. I get no respect around here. *logs out of blog and never comes back*
oh my…
My deepest apologies, it will never ever happen again Dash!
I don’t see the engagement clause as “thin” at all. It is all about intent. If you don’t intend on marrying me why the hell am I moving in with you? Your response makes more sense to me. The intent and the plan. Not flying by the seat of my pants. I’m not signing a lease with a man unless there is a reason. That’s my point. I don’t think you were implying move in for shits and giggles (some people do) but if the reason is “let’s move in just because we’re serious” just doesn’t cut it. Buuuut that speech you gave me “If all goes well, as I feel it will, I plan on proposing and we can then make marriage preparations” sounds like a test. I don’t like tests. This sounds too damn contrived and that’s just not how love works. My stipulation “if it doesn’t work out then move on” is only applicable if it comes to that organically.
Its not true that a man will not pay for the cow if he gets the milk for free. Bottom line is men fall deeper in love when they do fall than women do. That is fact. If he knows you’re the one then he will marry you no matter what regardless if you move in together first or not. The only argument that makes sense to me is that it goes against a woman’s morality and her teachings. That is valid. Everything else is for the birds. As a woman I would like to share space with my significant other for at least a year before I decide to spend the rest of my life with him. It just seems fair to both of us to know exactly what it is that we’re getting into. To me, any woman that argues against that seems like she’s trying to a trap a man…pull a fast one on him…like “HA HA gotchu sucka!” Sort of like that Fresh Prince episode when Will and that girl were stuck in the basement and he finds out that her hair is fake, her nails are fake, etc. Either you have something to hide or you’re a glutton for self-punishment…or you’re not that serious about him and probably have been cheating.